Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Five Dicks, 3.5 Vaginas, 3 Broken Beers and One Vodka Fueled Rage, How was YOUR Valentines?

This week my hotel has been uncommonly busy.
forty plus rooms busy.
It's been interesting, and certainly more handsome, what with the eye candy provided to me by the added bodies.

It's also been stupid.

Tonight was Valentines, in case you missed all that getting shoved down your throat.
Tonight was also Single People Fucking Strangers night, with a side order of "We Still Live At Home and Mom and Pop Wouldn't Appreciate The Bondage Scenes"

I'm running behind on paperwork, and I still have to find bleach, but I wanted to drop this little token of awesome on y'all.

Five Dicks:

1. Around 12am, Douchebag One whips it out in an attempt to 'lure' me to his room. I tell him I can't see something that small without my glasses and I left those at home tonight.
2. Ten minutes later, Douchebag Two (his friend) offers his junk. With a red bow, which made me laugh, because I give points for courage. And the bow looked pretty too. I politely declined and he went away too.
3. One of the regulars. The words I have to describe the hilarity, involving him and the beers that broke and the fact he's probably old enough to be my father... sigh. I'm waiting for him to wake up and apologise. Or blush, either way.
4. Douchebag One, round two. This time, a girl was with him. In the hallway directly beside my desk, where I was doing my audit. BLEACH IS NEEDED.
5. Douchebag One again. Seriously, I have looked at this kid's junk unwillingly so much tonight I want to charge his penis a fine. At least that time was outside. I locked the front doors on the two of them. Abuse of power, yes. Hilarious, absolutely.

3.5 Vaginas
1. Douchebag Two's 'girlfriend' decided to show me what was going to be plundered. Willingly lifted her 'skirt' up. I have no words. I laughed at her and told her to have a good night.
2. Unintentional, when Douchebag One and his 'girl' were in the hallway. Full vag shot, my eyes are burned. She is not a natural blonde, though.
3. Douchebag Ones 'girl', outside. She is the point and a half too, because I saw it, and then saw parts of it, and this post just got really creepy and makes it seem like I was trying to look for the poon. I WASN'T, GUYS.

Broken Beers

Happened when one of my regulars was walking, drunkenly, trying to get to his room with his pants by his ankles. I cleaned it up, only because I don't totally know where the first aid kit shit is. Anything heavier than bandaids, and I take a good ten minutes to find.

Drunk bitches yelled at me, holding a bottle of vodka.
I was accused of trying to steal Douchebag One and Two from the 'ladies'.
I laughed, almost to the point of hyperventilation. The guys carried the whores ladies up to the room, and I have not heard from them since.

On a brighter note, my boss brought me in two chocolate bars and a thank you note with a gift card in it for the shit load of hours I worked last week for her.
Chocolate is pretty much the easiest way to my heart.
That and poisoned lip balm.

Happy Chocolate Day, people.
May love fill your hearts, mouths and loins.


Jana said...

Sometimes, I wish you could take pictures so that I can see the level of douchbaggery that you have to deal with. I don't know how you do it, lady!

Mandi E. said...

You're a fucking saint. If it had been me, I'd have pulled a fire alarm at the end of my shift just to be a spiteful bitch for making me deal with them.

Then again, I'm kind of tired of stupid these days.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Jana- It's not that I can't, it's that I'm too lazy/it's wayyyy too obvious when I do. I once took pictures of the hot railway men staying at my hotel, and they got all bitchy. People don't like their shit documented when they're trying to get out of town pussy.

Mandi- It's not my hotel's fault for the stupidity. Plus the jackface's were already awake/still awake. No point in fucking with those sleeping.

Jaclyn said...

You can't count the same dick more than once!

Also, how aren't you dead yet? I sent you that lip balm WEEKS ago.

Brandon S said...

I would disagree with the "can't count the same dick twice". I mean, early in the evening it could have been a shower. Later in the evening, well you get the drift. It changes ya'll.

By the way, is it cold in here or is it just me?

Front Desk Ninja said...

Jaclyn- Fuck you. I can count the same dick as many times as I want, when my eyes are burned just as bad by having to view it each time. Also, you clearly didn't take into account your Yankee poisons freeze and are therefore neutralized in my cold Canadian climate. Maybe next time.

Brandon- How did you know it was freezing in my hotel tonight?

And thank you for agreeing with me. Clearly I'm right in this. You can never win dick logic against me.