Friday, 30 September 2011

Month End Hell

It's that time, kids.

Month End. The bane of my fucking life, even though technically, TECHNICALLY, I am not doing it this month. Because tomorrow is Actual Month End, and tomorrow is Friday. I do not work Friday's, normally. But of course, because I am the Full Time Audit, I tend to do Month End all the time.
Which means that I have to pretend like tonight is audit, so the part time audit (who has been here longer than me, used to be the full time audit, and generally knows more because oh hai I am the youngest audit ever in this hotel's history, and he is old enough to be my father. But no, let's make me do more work because he clearly can't remember the last 10 years of his audit career and the world will EXPLODE if I don't make sure everything's can do audit without a hitch and just make sure tomorrow night balances up.

I hate Month End.
Hate. So. So. SO. MUCH.

In my other blog, before I moved to the much nicer and better blogger, I had a Month End rant. It explains why I loathe this one day out of the month more than others. So in a blatant “yes I'm stealing from myself but really is it stealing if it's yourself? I think not.” move, I'm copying the highlights from there. No use in me retyping all that nonsense again.
Now, you must think I’m over-exaggerating on this. I assure you I’m not, but I wouldn’t assume you’d take my word on this. Just a sample of the shit that has gone wrong on a month end night for me:

-Nothing Balances. This is common. I’ll have everything up until the last week, or the last day before I walk into work 3 hours early to start month end paperwork. Everything has balanced, but during that last day of the month, someone fucks the shit so badly that it will take me up to five hours to find and fix the problem. Cursing like a trucker is not uncommon on this night, which is why the earplugs are necessary for little Susie sleeping down the hall.

The Drunk Toddlers Really, if I need to explain this, it’s already too late for you. These boys have been trained as best as I can manage, but sometimes my month end will fall on a Wednesday or Thursday and I can’t control them then. They come in, they try to pee on the plants and throw uncooked steaks on to the desk, they come around the counter and try to get a feel (and subsequently feel my knee in their family jewels),… month ends on a Wednesday or Thursday are charming. ETA: I will explain the Drunk Toddlers once my toe stops bleeding*

Power Outages Are the bane of every persons existence when they are at work, I’m sure. Even on a good day a power outage will fuck up my life at work. On Month End, though, when I have to get everything done and if I can’t play with shit on Opera (the operating system for the hotel) my night gets royally fucked. It’s like surprise butt sex when the power goes out, and no one likes that.

Pool Floods Worst night of my life. Hands down. Only New Years Eve has rivalled this month end, last May. We had just installed the new liner in the pool and the pool guys said that everything was good to go, so they filled ‘er up and left me to my own. I was contending with a Month End that didn’t balance, and it was a tedious sort of fix, when my feet felt…wet. The pool is on the other side of the lobby, through the sitting area and restaurant. Panic does not begin to describe my emotions when I realised they had left the water on and didn’t tell me to turn it off after a certain time. Five hours of dealing with that, and month end had to be done. It was a long night.

I realise you cannot tell how long it took me to write all this.
2 hours.
Not because I am a person who types slowly, or lacked anything to say. Oh no.
Two freaking hours because tonight, people sense that it's a mock-Month End for me, and are breaking shit left right and center.
*Also, I may or may not have just broken my pinky toe because I moved to quickly to go fix a blown fuse.

The things we do...
Happy end of the month to us all!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

I Can Add Pimp To My List Of Accomplishments Now

Dear Drunk Toddlers,
You all fail for not being awake at 1130.
Why, you ask?
There are hot girls here wanting to mingle.
See what you miss when you don’t come visit me?

An Hour Later….

Dear Drunk Toddlers,
See how much I love you?
Maybe now you’ll be more entertaining.
Call me babe one more time, though, and I *will* kick you.

How Far Politically Correct Reaches

Andrew: “David, what colour is the car?”
David: “Its black, Andrew.”
Andrew: “David! We’re teachers. It’s African American, not black!”

Funniest moment of my life. Andrew was far too serious.
I only know the names because I had to add them into the system. I’m not that big of a creep, y’all

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Welcome To The Jungle

If you're just tuning in, welcome!
If you followed me from Tumblr, you get a cookie and sticker.

I chose to bail out of Tumblr because of the inability for my peeps to comment.
I want to hear what you have to say, what you find funny and whether or not you want to stalk me and get me fired for some of the shit I do.

Working nights at a hotel gives one a lot of tolerance for getting away with shit, I've realised.
I love my job, and feel like I need to share the funny with you fine fellows.
So, without further ado.