Wednesday, 2 November 2011

An Open Letter To Less Intelligent Hookers

Dear Hooks,

Hassling the nice audit girl at the desk at 3:30 in the goddamn morning when you and she clearly know whats up? Very uncool. I don't come into your room and criticize the way you're blowing your latest 'husband', do I? I don't come up to you and tell you what flavour of condom you should buy next, or if your hair truly does look like it's 1980s meets Time Warp... no. No.I.DO.NOT.

Mainly, for the most part, hooks, I got your back. Pimp's beating you, I'll call them boys in blue so you can scatter like the wind.

You need a condom? We sell them here. You need mix for your drinks so Big Bob doesn't hurt so much? We sell pop, too. We turn a blind eye as long as you don't fucking piss us off or have too much traffic.

So, hooks, coming in and rage-yelling at me because I'm not falling for your “husband will come and pay for tonight on his credit card so give me the 90 bucks I JUST GAVE YOU NOW BITCH” schtick, ... don't you see how you've left a really bad taste in my mouth and my soul life mission is to now make it impossible for you to stay here?

I'm sorry if he's a picky bastard and won't pay for a room that you've Already paid for.
Maybe plan better next time.
Also, protip 101? Never threaten to have any night audit call the hotel owner/manager/boss.
I can guarantee you that's the quickest way to a 430am wakeup call that accidentally goes off every 15 minutes, especially if you're a bitch stubborn person about it and actually
make us call.

Because we run this shit at night, and our bosses know it. Calling them is essentially like kicking yourself in the crotch with fire ants. Not only do you wake someone up in the middle of their sleep with a guest issue that you can handle on your own, but they then have to deal with an angry hooker at 345am?

I can't post what I want to actually say, because even under the mask of anonymity I fear backlash.
It's not pretty. It resembles a dirty sailor and trucker meeting up to have heathen babies.

I have never been so belittled by a hooker, ever. I had some respect for this particular one before she lost her shit on me.

Bright side: It's my Friday! I'm working this weekend (heaven help me) so I get Wednesday Thursday off, go team middle of the week break!

Have a great week/end, you fine feathered creatures.


Mandi E. said...

I like that you and I share horribly twisted adventures in adult babysitting across the North American continent.

Just remember: sometimes you have to slap a bitch when she be out of line, yo. Know your audience and speak their language. And take video; I'll make it viral.

Jaclyn said...

I think you should totally start commenting on their BJ skills. Just be like "oh really, cause your husband just told me you caught him with an incisor and he isn't PAYING EXTRA FOR THAT."

P.S. I LOVE your hooker stories so much. SO. MUCH.

Mandi E. said...

Jaclyn's idea was better. We should totally turn that into a youtube video series: Prostitute Charm School. Lesson 1: Tucking back your meth fangs during fellatio.

I still think it could go viral.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Best comments ever.

And the amount of hooker stories I have saved up,... oh man.
Prepare yourself.

I have never ever openly judged any hookers who work out of my hotel.
I just mock them online and find ways to ban them from my hotel if they piss me off :D