Saturday, 5 November 2011

Dear Weekend Hookers, No Sex In My Lobby KTHANKXBAI.

Dear Weekend Hooks,

I'm sorry. I clearly forgot you are an entirely different breed of whore.
I also know I'm a new face to this weekend jive, but let me be clear.
If you ever think us night audits would be okay with you performing your less than mediocore 'blowies' in front of us, in the lobby, where there are actual guests and teenagers who yes, may be looking at porn on our lobby computer (dont think I'm not on to you, punk. I just don't care because you don't have the manballs necessary to whip it out this early in the night), but these are children nonetheless, I will slap you with the thing you're trying to put in your mouth and rip your weave out.

Getting called some very unkind things wasn't really on my list of shit to do tonight, so how's about we lay some ground rules down, okay sweetheart?

Weekend Whore Rules1. You will refrain from stripping in the halls/lobby/common areas.
2.You will not insult the front desk clerks. Unless you want to be evicted.
3. You will NOT solicit yourself in my lobby when your latest score ditched you because (and I QUOTE) "a high school broad could suck it better"
4. Acting like you only do this on the weekends? Fine. Go for it. You and I both know you just find cheaper hotels during the week.

Dearest whores, if you want to keep your room and trick it up, be classy about it.
Or I'll use my pimp hand and slap a 'ho, yo.

Much love,


Mandi E. said...

'Atta girl. I can already see that the pimp hand is strong with you.

Front Desk Ninja said...

It really is, buddy.
Imma need it for tonight. Hard.

BlackLOG said...

I must say your hotel sounds absolutely delightful, when I read "weekend hooker" I naturally assumed you meant an amateur rugby player not a :-

- Professional sex worker

- lady of negotiable affections

- A pay as you go wife (or possibly pay and have a go wife)

- Self Employed Model

- Cum Dumpster

- Clockwatcher (possibly cockwatcher if they happen to enjoy the job)

- Money honey

- Pole polisher

- Actress between jobs

Have you thought about setting up some web cams around the lobby and then creating one of those subscription only web sites – in order to drive revenue you might have to amend your rules some what

Weekend Whore Rules
1). You will refrain from being dressed (other than scantily) in the halls/lobby/common areas of the hotel.
2.You will position yourself in such a way that the cameras gets a good view of any action taking place
3. You will ONLY solicit yourself in my lobby with average johns – they must be presentable but not stunning, you don’t want to leave the voyeurs with no hope of ever having you....
4.You will act like this all weekend – I doubt your average Perv subscriber keep regular hours...

I’ll leave you with one thought - If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession how did the 1st customer pay the fee????

Front Desk Ninja said...

I love all of your phrases for the hooks.

I'm now intrigued at what the first payment could have been, how it came to be....

Thanks for the brain puzzler.

BlackLOG said...

I'm now intrigued at what the first payment could have been, how it came to be....

I hope that the first payment was meat – how wonderful if it had been a sausage

I can just imagine the scene – Please note this would have been done in grunts but through the magic of a warped imagination I have translated it for you....

Stone age Woman – “I’m hungry, what I wouldn’t give for one of your sausages”

Stone age sausage maker – “How about I give you my ‘love Sausage’ for a sausage”

Stone age woman “grunt, ugg, ick, ogggg!!!!”

Oh Damn the translation service appears to have broken down, but I’m sure you get the picture

Jen said...

Sorry, next time I'll change into my crotchless panties somewhere further away from the Continental breakfast.

PS: I need to come up and visit you, ho! ;-)

Jaclyn said...

I can't seem to find your email address in your profile, but I wanted to thank you for the comment on my post about my asshole dad. I think it's totally fucking bad ass that you cut your dad out of your life. I wish I had the strength to just tell mine to go fuck himself, because he REALLY doesn't deserve my time. Also, don't EVER apologize for cursing on my blog. COCKFUCKSHITPISSMOTHERFUCKERDICKSUCKMCWHORINGTON

We are very okay with cursing :)

Front Desk Ninja said...

BackLOG: I love it. I was not even going back that far, I was thinking the Victorian era was when that shit started. Dresses, petticoats, the whole nine yards. Stone Age women clearly were the ones who put out first.

Jen: For you, I'd turn my head. For others? Not so much.
And yes! Come visit. I'm close enough to Toronto that proper stalking can happen and if you time it when the TIFF is (so September), you'll see *all* the hot hot men of Hollywood.

Jaclyn: It's hiding, like a ninja. (see what I did there?)
I cut mine out because I was tired of having to have the strength to be the 'good' daughter. Fuck that noise, I'm way too bitchy for that.

Also, I take back my apology and throw another heart your way because of George Carlin references on my blog. You win, Jaclyn. You win.

Gia said...

I had been thinking about part-time hooking to supplement my shoddy income, but now I see all these rules and its starting to look like waaay too much work. Goodbye my dreams of getting "good" cable.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Gia: The amount of shit I've learned about how to run such a shady operation, is disturbing. I know I may still be working on that university degree, but I could totally pull off a drug ring or hooking ring better than 96% of the people in this city, I'm almost positive.

If you visit a hotel a couple times a week and see what *not* to do, you'll be that much closer to your dream of HBO and the Movie Network. I promise.