Leap Years Fuck With My Life

For some reason, even though I've wrote about it and talked about it and all that, it hasn't fully dawned on me that motherfucking Month End is tonight.
I haven't done audit in two nights, so if shit doesn't balance, I basically have to bend over and take it.

After audit, I promise for a better post full of more substantial things, like how I wear glasses that end up blinding me, or how hot construction guys harassed my boss to the point she messaged me and asked me what I put in their purple drank to calm them down.

I was missed, apparently.
That's obviously why I'm taking my sweet time getting into work.
Go team.
Now to find pants....

I Got An Award, Noa Replied To A Tweet AND I WON AN AWARD. How's Your Tuesday?

Y'all. I had a post to write about my finances, because I want to stick to a budget and I feel like a bunch of strangers will help keep me in line (as opposed to the shaming I'd deal with for going over from my real life family) but I forgot this was the week that my life was going to motherfucking change.

I can officially save your life.
Well, maybe not save it, but certainly help keep that shit going for 10-20 minutes until properly trained bitches come and take over.

CPR Training the beginning of the week was fantastic. I worked Sunday night, and went into CPR Training Monday morning after my shift basically drunk. The instructor,Rod Clugston, was fanfuckingtastic. Seriously. Kept the class awake and alert and engaged us and in the end we are all Level C CPR Certified.

Yesterday I went back to work and practiced signing with the girl who was working, because I wanted to practice and because I needed to stay the fuck awake a bit longer so I wouldn't sleep through the class start time today. I definitely didn't do that, and today was alright. I felt like a regular human, but even now typing this I'm getting sleepy because my body refuses to admit I had enough sleep (and if anyone here tries to tell me that me sleeping for 11 hours isn't enough, I will laugh sprinkles in your face).

ANNNNYway.

Bitches, I won an award.

The Liebster Award, which took me some googling and effort to figure out what it meant. Essentially, some bad ass chick thinks I'm fucking rad, and wants the small section of internet that we reside in to know about it. I'M HONOURED.

Jana, who I have dedicated an entire post to, nominated this bitch. She's obviously got good taste, and even before this she was welcome to join me for a night of boring babysitting at work. I'd even try to let her pick a weekend night when I saw more whores and drunks than the average hot construction men weeknight. Thank you very much, miss Jana.

Now, there are apparently rules to this award. I've completed one, by thanking the bad ass who gave me the award. Some places I've looked up say three people need to be nominated and raved, some say five. I'm going with three because I'm falling the fuck asleep. Yeah, lazy wins in this case. I'd love to nominate Noa, but I feel like the bitch has more than 200 followers and you can't (shouldn't?) nominate someone with over that number. It's mythical and will generally result in limb loss if you break the rules.

Maybe. I read it on the internet.


Anywhore.
I hereby nominate:

1. Jaclyn from Nursery Rhymes and Curse Words. She's one of those bitches I want to be when I grow up, and she writes some funny funny shit. Even when the shit isn't funny, like bodily fluids or poisoning trusting Canadians with lip balm. I blame you for the fact I'm sicker than fuck right now, by the way. Jerk. Love you.

2. Misty, from Misty's Laws. I love me some Misty. She's a lawyer, a momma, a wife and a daredevil with her cellphone taking pictures. I wish to be like her so I could take pictures of the whores and crack addicts. Maybe one day. She's awesome, and I wish it were possible to squish Jaclyn, her and my last nominee into one person and then clone them, and put them into a man's body who miraculously became Canadian and knocked on my door. I would like to think that man would be my version of Prince Charming.

And finally, it shouldn't be much of a surprise, because I featured her in my first Tribute to my Internet Heroes...

3. Jen from "Jen" e sais quoi. This woman, is a fucking bad ass. I want to be her daughter, and have managed to obtain fake adoption papers to make this happen. She's amazing, and so strong and brave and maintains a level of badassery that one day, I want to get to. She's awesome and I love her blog something fierce.

You should check out all the blogs I've linked, because they are all fantastic. Excellent things to read when you're bored at work and need something to look busy with. Fall in love with them too!

Tomorrow is fucking Month End.

Legitimately, this makes me want to call in sick this month, for no other reason than it's going to be a busy fucking night, and I have missed two nights of hot construction men. I dislike it when things fuck with my routine. Maybe that's why my body is slowly going into sleep mode even though I'm typing. 

This Isn't A Real Post, Just A Rant About Fucktards

Dear Fucktard,

It is 5:17 in the morning. For the past 12 minutes you have been BLARING your fucking punk ass music (and I'm not talking the good kind of punk, which I would dance to, but rather the bullshit "I'm only playing this so girls don't notice my dick is really small" kind of music) infront of my lobby.

Fucktard, this needs to stop.

It is distracting me from watching Jenna Marbles on YouTube, and I'm guessing you aren't planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Turn your shit down, you infant.

People are still sleeping, and I don't need to get yelled at. Today is going to be a long day with CPR Training and all that bullshit, so, you need to fuck right off.

Do not make me come out there.

-Ninja

Dear Jana, You Ask and You Shall Receive; Or, A Day In The Life of Ninja (at work)

Big Kid decisions are eating at me like red ants ate at that guy's face on Sons of Anarchy, but for now, I'd like to entertain you with a rough “Day in the Life of Ninja At Work”. Obviously dedicated to Jana, who has made several comments about wanting to spend a night with me. In a non sexual way, I'm assuming, but if it's a slow night....

KIDDING.


Anywhore.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF NINJA

930pm: Wake up. This changes depending on the day, what I do in the morning, if I have night class, but generally on days I have nothing going on or days I babysit I wake up at 930pm.

10Pm: Actually get out of bed. Shower, dress, grab a book or movie for the night in a crotch jinxing moment of stupidity.

1030Pm: Get coffee and/or snack. VITAL that this happens, or my life is ruined and I turn into an uber bitch at work. Funny for you guys, not funny for my regulars.

11Pm: Officially sign in. This involves putting my index finger of my right hand onto a fingerprint scanner, which, the first 1928109 times I had to do it it was fucking amazing and made me feel like I was signing in to be a secret spy or some shit, but now it's just whatever.

11pm-1130pm: Do my rounds. The other shift leaves, I grab the keys and walk around the building, locking up the outside doors (except the front entrance) and grabbing the utilities numbers so I can input them into a spreadsheet. After I secure the doors and get the numbers, I go back to the desk, grab my poor lonely coffee/tea and walk the hallways. There are four. Generally I go down the double hallway first, because it's the most full and has the most activity (normally) and I like to gauge how fucked my night will be. It's also known as Construction Central. Not because there's renovations (let's be real, here) but because all my construction guys stay in those rooms. I tend to walk slowly, so they can't hear me and I pay attention to the different smells and where they are coming from. If it's strong, or doesn't smell like it's almost legal in Canada, I bust them right away. Sometimes I do it while on my rounds, other times I wait and go back to do it. It's a process, and you learn quickly how to approach them. Along my walkaround I check all the doors that should already be locked and if they are, great I move on. If not, I find the right key and lock that shit up. I check the meeting rooms to make sure the patio doors are locked, and the creams/milks are in the fridge. I also normally finish my tea/coffee by the end of my rounds, because I take my sweet sweet time. I almost always have my cellphone on me, and it's almost always playing some music. Partly so people know I'm coming and can scatter from the exits instead of getting caught, and partly so other people make themselves known and I do throw judo chops. True story: happened once. It wasn't a great judo chop, but it scared the guy badly enough. This week I've been playing Ray LaMontagne, because fuck you he's awesome. I love the slowness and he doesn't put me to sleep. Yay music!

1130pm-1230pm: Normally during this time, if it's a quiet night or if I'm just bored, I'll do my audit. I will not bore you with the ridiculous amounts of paperwork I handle, but just assume it's a lot. I can do my audit in my sleep for the most part and on most nights, everything balances. If it's a Month End night, I generally have an extra two hours worth of paperwork to shuffle through and complete. During this time, I also handle the phones, anyone coming in and going to their room, or 'visiting a friend', and I also do any walk-ins that come in off the street and need a room. Normally I see no one, because this is also the time the bars are still open and anyone who wanted to go has already gone and they don't normally come back.

1230pm-2am: I get visitors, in the shape of hot construction men coming back from work, and in the form of cracked out druggies who are so high on shit that I refuse to even start the conversation out politely. See almost all of my posts so far for references on how I handle stupid people. Normally during this time, if I'm going to have a shit night and its going to be busy, I'll feel it during this period. I'll get busy on the phone, a room will flood or I'll get noise complaints from the children coming back from the bars. I handle them with the utmost respect and professionalism, for the most part. I know it may seem like I'm a bitch to all my guests, but I only write about the assholes so far. I have more good guys than toolbags, really. Most of the guys just need the one warning from me to calm the fuck down.

2am-430am: I wish I had something cooler to put here. A typical night involves me sitting at my laptop in my manager's office, watching the window that shows me who is coming into the hotel, and the lobby area. I'll watch t.v. Shows online, read while playing music, watch a movie or study. I've had some friends come by before and hang out with me, while they were on night shift, which is cool. It's never a regular thing though. Normally I snag a chocolate bar from the gift shop, read yesterdays newspapers before I chuck it out. Make sure the lobby and all my data entry for the night is done, normally.

430am-5am: I talk to my boss. Seriously. She can call earlier, but normally in this time frame she'll call. Makes sure that I'm a) alive still and b) still near the desk and not acting like the past audits have. I haven't missed a single call from her. We talk about the day/night, and any plans or things that we have going on. She's pretty fucking awesome, to be honest.

5am-6am: I blog. Or I read blogs, while waving to the construction guys as they leave for the day. Most of them don't check out until today, although we've been getting crews that fuck my shit up and leave earlier in the week. Makes a girl insane when she gets bombarded by all those checkouts, but the men lately have been super hot and super within my age range of attraction, so I don't mind it all too much. After wiping the drool from my mouth, I tend to hang out in the lobby because the effort of getting up and down from the office is pointless.

6am-7am: I double check all the arrivals for the day, close down my laptop and pack up, and do the bulk of the check outs in the morning. Let there be no mistake. During the weekend, the morning shift gets hit with almost all the checkouts. During the week? I do. Construction crews are notoriously early in checking out. Example? Writing this post I've been interrupted four times by the crews needing to check out. Bullshit, I tell you. Once I have everything done for the morning shift, I'll give the restaurant guy the coffee mug from the previous day, unlock the side doors and throw the garbage and recycling out. Then it's just a waiting game until the next shift comes in.


Really, most of my night is just sitting in the office, entertaining myself. I have chores and things I can do, but it's never on a regular basis and they're only five minute tasks. Bulk of my time is spend waiting for something to happen here.

You guys get to read the juicier stuff.

This weekend I have boxes to pack and things to say to people who aren't going to like what I have to say, and I have to learn how to swallow my pride and hopefully I'm making the right choices.

Maybe next time I'll try to include pictures so y'all can feel like you're on the adventure with me.
Happy Friday! 

Of Course I'll Give You A Discount After Cops Come To Take You Away

Dear punk ass bitches:

Listen up.

When you come into my hotel and the first fucking words out of your mouth are "Oh wow, you're pretty!", you cannot expect me to treat you with any form of respect or politeness. Especially at 2:30 in the morning when you reek of pot, booze and you're tweaking. I live and work in the ghetto, homeboy. I can spot that shit a mile away now.

I gave you a five dollar discount because you said it was just the two of you, after you checked out my tits, made more rude comments (to the point where one of my regulars stayed up at the desk until you left because he was getting mad at the shit you were saying- and a drunk construction guy is clearly one you don't want to piss off) and then you proceeded to shit all over my kindness.

Bringing in seven other people? Awesome.
Calling me "mami" every fucking time you came downstairs to go for a smoke? Check.
Winking and licking your lips? Bitch I just ate my supper, I wanted to throw up!

And then the goddamn icing on the cake.

You brought a wanted criminal into my hotel and woke the entire place up with the bullshit take down the cops had to do. You're fantastic. Don't try to apologise or whine, it is most unbecoming of a six foot four child.

I'm keeping your deposit and kicking your sorry ass out.

Love,
Ninja.

An Adventure In Becoming A Grown Up, take One

I have never been good at long term goals. Anything that takes a while to get, I tend to lose interest in and find something else to do. I feel like an ADD squirrel most of the time, when I'm not focused on a book or helping someone or working. I have done many great things, but I think it's to balance out the bullshit karma I have. I'm not religious (even though I will pretend for my family come those religious holidays and weddings and funerals. Catholic school taught me well) but I do believe there is something bigger out there than us.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I have stuck to my guns about a few things in life, but I have a lot more fails than wins in my book. This is why this year, I'm writing out what I want to get done with my life. Where I want to go and how I want to start living. Maybe you fine people can help keep me in check. This year is about facing all my demons, about conquering the dragon while finding who I am, again. I've lost myself in the past three years. Twenties are a bitch, I'm finding.

Modelling this after one of my internet heroes, Jen, I'm going to try and post updates about what I want and how I'm going about it. I feel like the things I'm setting for myself this year are reasonable. I'm not looking to become a millionaire, although if that happened I certainly wouldn't turn my nose down at it.
No, there are really only four things I'm aiming to complete this year. I hate that goddamn number, but there's nothing else I really want to do (yet). I have ideas on how I'm going to do it, but nothing is ever concrete. I'm willing to change with the times, go with the flow. So far, though here are my goals for 2012. Not resolutions. Fuck that. These are challenges I'm setting for myself, things I want to and feel like I need to accomplish.

1. Become Fluent in Sign Language
I started taking an intro course in January because I'm too broke to take French (and honestly, I learned nothing in that class. Sign was also 1/3 of the cost and 20000 times more interesting) and my online degree is currently on hold, because I've been hearing some shady things about the University as well I can't afford the classes right now.

Steps I'm Taking So Far
I'm almost done the Intro course, and while I'm still considering continuing with the local college, my instructor suggested I look at the local deaf organization and see about taking their classes, which are more in depth and also give me the hours of training I need to become an Interpreter. Which is my ultimate goal (and will take me about 3 years in total to do)
I emailed the program and am awaiting an email back. I check the site every day to see if they're posting the Spring 2012 classes yet. So far, nothing. Hope I hear back this week.

2. Get Out Of Debt Y'all, I'm a stupid stupid girl. I take full responsibility for this fuckery that is known as my credit rating, and how much debt I'm in. I'm not in a huge whack of debt, but for me, any debt makes my skin crawl a bit. It's also preventing me from doing other things I want, as well, I hate that icky feeling. I know it's a part of life, and I won't ever be truly out of debt, but I want to get my couch paid off, and I want to start saving for a house, and I want to have nothing owing from when I was with D. A lot of the debt I have still, is because of him and his manipulations and my trusting spirit. I have no one to blame but myself, but I don't think I'll ever stop kicking myself for not telling him to buy things on his own. Main things I want to pay off- Dell Computer (600 or 700 dollars), Credit Card (3000) and my couch (1200), and my parents (a lot. 5000 is probably around the mark of what I owe).

Steps I'm Taking So Far
I've paid off another computer D had me get for him, and in two weeks I'll have the money to give to the Dell people. This is the big thing that I need to be held accountable for. I'm not going to put how much I make (although really, you can guess because it's a hotel gig. It's not much but I get by) but I want to start doing a weekly spending wrap up. I think if I start really seeing exactly everything I'm spending money on, I'll either shame myself into stopping or I'll find ways to cut back.

Right now, it's hard because of where I live and how unstable shit is. I'm in the middle of trying to figure out if I'm moving in with someone, or moving home, or being homeless. Instability in the home life fucking sucks, because I have the money to pay off this computer, but I know if I spend it something will happen and I'll be stuck like a fool for money. I hate living pay to pay.

3.Get My Motorcycle License/Get A Motorcycle

Now, before we all point out how contradicting this goal is, let me explain. I grew up in a small town, and my family is intensely into bikes and trucking. It's where my fearlessness of shit comes from. Fun Fact About Me: While I come from a biking family, I have never rode on the back of a motorcycle. Nor will I ever. It has been my dream since I was 16 to get my motorcycle license, but because insurance companies in Canada don't easily insure 16 year old girls for bikes, I stuck with the car license. Here in Ontario, I have to go for a whole new scale of licensing to be legally able to drive a motorcycle. This year, if things with the living situation go the way I think they will (aka I'm moving the fuck back to my parents) I know I'll need this escape. I have my car, true, but there's something to be said for hopping on a bike and just, going. Or so my dreams tell me.

Before I purchase a bike, I will have paid off the computer, my couch and a good portion of my credit card debt. If I haven't, then I won't allow myself to make another huge purchase, even though I'm only looking at used bikes. I'm realistic.

Steps I'm Taking So Far
Looking into motorcycle training courses at the local college. In my Intro to Sign class, there's an older married couple and the husband is actually the instructor for it. I've been picking his ear the best I can and he has me convinced I should take the April 13^th weekend course. What this means is by April 13^th I'll need to get my M1 license (it's the first step in the graduated license) because at the end of the weekend I'll have my M2. This cost is small compared to a lot of other places I've looked at, and it pays for the M2 exit test. Which is huge.
Trolling sites like Kijiji and the classifieds at work, I'm getting a feel for how much a bike I want is going to run me. I'm talking with my dad about finding a good starter bike for me (no Harley yet...) and hopefully I'll be able to find one within my price range.

4.Start Running Again/Get Back Into Shape
Fun fact: I used to play competitive volleyball. I was a total badass, and at one point in my awesome career I broke some chick's nose with the force of my ball. Not my fault she couldn't block the spike. Anyways, I remember hating a lot about the exercise regime, but I also remember loving running. I know I sucked at it, but I liked getting active. There are parts of my body I want to tone up, want to improve a bit and I want to start being a grown up and not living off of Kit Kats, fast food and pop. This goal is more of a “get healthier before you die” kind of goal, and if I can accomplish goal 3, I'll have a lot of spare time. M1 riders cannot ride during the night time. I'd have to come to work hours before my shift starts, and if I don't use the pool, or have homework, I'd be bored. My solution is to come to work, throw on some running shoes and go for a run around the ghetto before my shift.

Steps I'm Taking So Far
In truth? Nothing. I used to go to the local rec centre and do Aqua Fit every morning (much to the chagrin of the older ladies who were offended by my many tattoos and bikini clad body) but that stopped the month I couldn't afford the monthly fee. I'm looking into getting my membership renewed, and right now with the snow walking outside is hazardous to my health. I'm a huge klutz. So for now, I'm trying to watch what I eat, but I'm not obsessed about it yet. I don't really know where else to turn, but I am now waiting for the snow to go away so goal 3 and 4 can start up.


I hope y'all will be here with me. I know the next month or so is going to be a huge fuckery of things, and I haven't decided if I'm going to just put it all out there, or if I'll be able to handle it.

Right now, though, I am hitting publish and going home to a very excited, very awake niece who just turned four (literally. Today's the kids birthday) and I'm going to curl up and watch Lady and the Tramp with her.

I hope y'all have a good day!
Much love and hugs.

Ninja

Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

So I spent the better part of my shift trying to figure out how to convey, in something that wasn't a wall of text, how amazing I think Jen is. 

Y'all,* she's one of the reasons I started blogging and kept going. I stalk the ever loving shit out of her, Jaclyn and Misty in the hopes that their level of strength, and courage and bravery and fucking bad assery, will rub off on me and I will be like them when I grow up.

*and yes, fuck you, I say y'all even though I'm Canadian. I say it with a southern accent and don't always realise I'm doing it until someone laughs at me.

So, because Jen was able to correctly find 6 degrees or less between the actors I named and N.F., I am obligated by my own moral code of ethics to devote at least two paragraphs to how awesome this chick is. Two paragraphs because if I set myself up for more I'll end up getting far too emotionally and that shit doesn't do well with my ninja rep.

One of the first posts I remember of Jen's was one of her “Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends” posts and I basically fell in love with her and tried to figure out how I could become part of her circle. Clearly, this chick is hilarious. A bonus. She has kids that she refers to as Short People, she has a huge sometimes not but normally just cold war going on with the Office Skank and she's still in school. She's fucking rad. So I began stalking her like I stalk Noa, which means obsessively checking at night to see if she had posted anything new and then wondering why she hadn't posted anything new because I am crazy, apparently, and believe that everyone needs to be awake when I am.

Then I noticed she does funny, and serious. Both are amazing and I love the moments when you're so serious and passionate about an issue, and then you turn it into something hilarious. You keep that serious tone, but you make me chuckle when others would probably scold me for laughing.

You are one of the bravest fucking women I know, Jen.

You lay it all out in your blog, and you have faults. You're not perfect, but you're clearly trying and you're doing it in such a bad ass way that I often re read your blog posts in awe and try to learn from you. Your Red Dress Playlist is forcing me to face what I want, and that I need to start taking steps to getting it. I'm cheering you on with your journey, and I hope that I can figure out my own path soon.

In closing, I stumbled upon this gem and I feel like someone, or something, needs to happen where you get this product and try it. I know your love of bacon, my maja.

Thank you for being so fucking amazing.

Happy Family Day!