Wednesday, 4 April 2012

No, I Will Not Touch Your Penis!

Y'all I have hit the motherfucking wall.
I'm married and a lesbian, who has two penises and a hairy vag.
I am trying, so fucking hard, to remain polite and not spaz out like I normally would.

My wall, you ask?
It's a new spring time season for the construction crews and boy are they so excited to be here.
I have what some people consider 'pretty' features. I have a kick ass personality too (yeah, I'll own the personality part, but debate the 'pretty' part. Don't question my issues) so it sometimes (read-ALL THE FUCKING TIME) gives off the “Hit On Me NAO” vibe.

Today has been a horrible case of this.

This morning, was the first (and I sincerely hope only) time that someone calling me gorgeous made me feel like they were telling me I have a purdy mouth.

If you don't understand that reference, we are no longer friends.

Anyways. So this kid has been slow in his moves, and I could see it coming from a mile away. What is it about the youngin's that they don't know how to hide their intentions? I mean, for fuck's sake. My grandmother could have guessed what was happening.

Tonight, he made three passes while I was checking in people and talking to my regulars, before he caught me alone. He stood with me for the entire hour it took me to do my audit, which, I guess was nice of him.

And then the awkward moment of when I finished my audit and went into the office.

Me: “Well, it's been a slice, but I need to go and finish the rest of my paperwork and that's in the office.”
Him: “Oh, it's okay. I'll just stand here”
Me: “............”
two minute awkward silence where I'm trying to figure out how to tell the infant to gtfo and go to bed

Me: “I'm not coming back out, y'know. You should probably just go to bed, or sit by the fireplace.”
Him: “Oh, but then I wouldn't have the beautiful view of you”

I said nothing after that.
I just... sat here and did my work and tried to not think about how FUCKING CREEPY this kid is..
He's maybe 19? Maybe? That's pushing it.
He looks like he knows some good body-hiding places.

It wasn't too ridiculous, and after three hours of standing by the desk when I wasn't there he finally went to bed, but I think that was more to do with his need to have a nap before his work today.

I need to have a bitchier personality.
Or figure out a way to repel them.

In completely unrelated news, I'm looking for a second job, so I can save up and not completely fail when/if I move across the country and I'm waiting ever so patiently (read: I check my emails every hour. On the hour. In case I missed the vibrations from getting a new email) for my acceptance into NSCC, and next week is both ASL Club and my first class in ASL 2.

And a shout out to my handsome friend for helping to save me tonight by playing to role of my fake boyfriend.

I really need to find a nickname for him. 


Laura said...

He stood there alone, staring at you for three hours? That's beyond creepy.

Front Desk Ninja said...


The more important issue at hand is that I need to figure out a nickname for this fella.

Starle said...

Ewwwww! i agree, that is super uber-creepy!
Just call him George.

Jaclyn said...

With guys that young, they have no idea how creepy they are coming off. You have to be blunt- which SHOULDN'T be a problem for you. "Do you realize it's creepy as fuck for you to stand there for hours staring at me? Even if you aren't being intentionally creepy, you are obviously dumb as shit. And I don't date dumb guys".

Or maybe "why don't you go to your room and jerk off? Because right now you are coming off like a rapist/dog in heat and I can assure you, that is not what I'm looking for in a dude" (if you use this, you have to make it clear that he should STAY in his room when he's done. On second thought, don't use this. You may get some sort of sick gift on a hotel towel or something).

Don't be afraid to class it up, Ninja!

Now for the nickname... Jack the ripper... BTK? I fully support a serial killer nickname. Ted Bundy maybe? I think Ted Bundy for the win. He liked to manipulate pretty young girls before murdering them.

Also, you should start calling him Ted Bundy to his face. I think it really conveys the message you are trying to get across.

Jana said...

I'm with Jaclyn - you need to be super blunt with this guy. Also if you are going to give him a nickname I would go for the three part name. Doesn't every serial killer have one?

leigh said...

oh dude... i hate that awkwardness when you think you are making it clear that you have NO interest in someone... and they just...



maybe - Linger-ston van Creepster?

Creepster Mc-loiter Jr?


hmm... making nicknames is hard.

Front Desk Ninja said...

a) I love all of you.
b) I love all of you more.

Starle and leigh- I love that you suggested real names for the nickname, as well as I know two guys with said names. Win.

Jaclyn- I WAS BLUNT. that was the worst fucking part! and tonight was almost no fucking different. It was absurd.

Jana- Serial killers do have three part names. Except Ted Bundy. But, that's okay. He's Ted motherfucking Bundy.

Everyone- So, I love the nickname suggestions for the creepy infant, but I was referring to needing to figure out a nickname for the friend I have. Who isn't as creepy as the creepy infant. (joking. I'm sure he can be, but so far he's not. ;)

Jaclyn said...

My mistake.

He is playing the role of your beard, so I'm gonna go with a gay guy. Lance Bass. He is definitely a Lance.

Misty said...


You need to make a sign:



Either that or ask him if he wants to go into the office to fuck. Mabye that will scare him off. And if he says "really?" or "yes" just laugh at him and say "no you retard, I am trying to work and you are creepy as fuck. Go away!"

As to the fake boyfriend . . . Studly. He-Man. Zeus. Gigantor. One of those. :)

Squirrel said...

Nickname for your friend who saves you from creepy situations...Katie. As in Holmes.

Also sounds like KD, a dude's name.