Friday, 30 March 2012

You Wonder Why I Want To Slap People.... Take This Advice.

So tonight was both amusing and informative and has me reflecting pretty hardcore about some shit, but for the most part what I want to write about tonight involves a tutorial I want you all to take to fucking heart.

The Motherfucking DO's and DON'TS of Complaining To the Front Desk

DO: Call the desk if there are children running rampant
This is helpful to the desk, when you let us know that there is an issue. You're giving us a chance to fix the situation before shit really gets out of hand and we get shot with a fucking Nerf gun thing. However,

DON'T: Call the desk if it is your own fucking child who is running rampant
I am not a built in babysitter, contrary to the popular fucking belief. If you are calling me because your own fucking child is a part of the problem, then own up to that shit. Or I will not take your next call seriously and I'll tell you that you need to control your own spawn.

DO: Tell the desk how upset you are
Because sometimes people call, just to let us know. The level of annoyance on the phone does infact increase my own level of annoyance. If it's just a hockey parent calling to be an asshole to the other team, then I take that shit less seriously. If it's an old woman calling because she can't hear the TV and it's on full blast, and she's got venom spewing out her mouth into my ear, then I tend to walk a little quicker. However,

DON'T: Yell at/Curse at/THREATEN the desk.
We do not care enough. We never will. I'm sorry, but how many weekends, or nights of absolute bullshit do you reckon I put up with? Let me tell you, it's a fucking lot. So when someone gets it in their mind that they need to Yell At Me, Curse at me and then tell me that they'll “have my job” in the morning, or “they're going to pack up and leave” I wave to them. Yell at me, it just makes me not want to help you. Curse at me and it makes me twitch because I have to (at times Out Loud) remind myself that I am at work and can't go off on the person who is cursing. My favourite is when people threaten to get me fired. Really? You're going to assume that I don't know how to do my job badly enough that you can come in with your bullshit complaint and get me fired the next day. My job is one of the worst jobs in this fucking industry, and anyone who has worked it knows. No one likes this job because of the job. I like it because it's normally quieter and you don't have to deal with management. Threatening to leave is also hilarious, because if you leave and don't give us a chance to do anything, we still charge you the room rate.

DO: Speak Calmly When Talking To The Desk
Seriously. I cannot emphasize this enough. When you're calling, for ANYTHING, don't rush your words. Unless there is blood, or broken bones, there is never a need to race through a sentence like you're on crack. It also gives the impression that you're a rational human being. Anyone in the retail/customer service business will appreciate someone who speaks calmly when telling us how children are screaming their little heads off in the hallway upstairs.

DONT: Come Out In Your Underwear To Yell At The Desk I say this for two reasons. One, the chances of a person being anywhere near to what I want to look at half naked, are so slim that you can assume I'd rather stab my own eyes out with a rusty spoon. Even the hot construction guys. Keep it clothed, people. There are cameras, and it is a lot harder to take someone seriously when the desk is wondering if you're fully naked or just mainly. The second reason, is Don't yell at us at the desk. Seriously. Think about this for a hot minute. If you're standing here, yelling at me, telling me how useless and incompetent I am, where can I go? What can I possibly fucking do to help your situation out? The answer, kidlets, is nothing. Not a goddamn thing. I cannot leave the desk when someone is standing there. It is the golden rule, it is a fucking pain in my asshole when I get drunks who will not go to fucking bed, but it is unspoken. If I leave, I'm inviting people to fuck up my workstation. It's happened before (Story for another day) and it will likely happen again. The only time I ever leave someone at the desk, is when I'm grabbing them pillows or blankets. Because that shit is down the hallway.

I can't leave the desk to go yell at the drunks or the children, until you let me.
I understand your frustrations about not being able to watch “I Love Lucy” but I can't do anything until I am able to leave the desk. There is only ever one of me.

Suggestions On How To Handle Shit

Take a moment. Think about how noisy the hotel is, and whether or not the desk can hear it.
I know in my hotel, the only shit I can't hear is down the hallways that are upstairs. I can hear running, and I can hear serious noise, but singular room shit? If it's not on the ground floor I can't hear it. I would absolutely welcome a call letting me know that there is ruckus going on upstairs. I'd prefer it to be a calm call and without anger towards me (because really, people, I didn't fucking tell them to go and be assholes upstairs. I'm bored some nights but never that bored). I'd also really prefer only one call about the issue. If you call within a five minute period of calling the first time, you almost automatically put yourself on the douchebag list.

I guarantee, unless it's a problem downstairs and I can see the room door from the lobby (which is a total of five rooms, and I can hear them sneeze from here) then I need about 10 minutes to get in contact with the room and issue the warning. Add five minutes for them to settle the fuck down, that means you should only be calling me once every 15-20 minutes. Even then that's excessive.

Call once. Let the desk know what the fuck is up, then try to be patient. Wait a good 30 minutes, and if shit hasn't changed, call the desk again. It could be that you weren't the only one and I had to answer the phone 13290 times before I could go and do something about the problem that everyone and their mother told me about.

Remember that normally the desk only has one or two people. If it's a busy night, you can bet those poor souls are being run ragged. I know it seems like they should be able to drop everything and deal with whatever has your ass in a twist, but sometimes you need to have patience.

Don't threaten. Or blame the desk. We are here to help you, for the most part. I hate having to apologise for shit that isn't my fault. Assholes not listening to me, isn't entirely my fault. I can only do so much and evicting people is actually a lot harder than it sounds. I really hate having a person come stay here and their night be ruined by drunk idiots. But unfortunately, sometimes, that shit happens.

As long as you stay cool, control your own spawn and follow the hotel rules it should be good. And when those noisy fuckers start shit, I got this. Hopefully.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm running away for the weekend and plan to come back a lot less stressed out and more my old badass self. No more people trying to kill themselves in my hotel, no more court hanging over my head and no more threatening exboyfriends. Just waiting for my acceptance into school and for my next ASL class to start.

Behave yourselves! 


leigh said...

have a wonderful relaxing weekend dear. you deserve it so hard.

Jana said...

treat yourself to a drinky-poo and mani/pedi lady! You deserve it.

Jaclyn said...

I tried to comment before but your blog kept accusing me of being a robot.

So the new boss doesn't approve of the open-handed slap policy? Seems like it would take care of a lot of issues.

And you should try playing the game with people (the noisemakers, as I don't think it would work with the complaint whores). Did I tell you about the game? You pretty much just open your mouth a little and blankly stare at someone until they react. Seriously, it's the best fucking game ever.

Misty said...

But but . . . I NEED to watch me some Lucy!! Make the noises stop!!

Oh, wait. Those are just in my head. Nevermind. Carry on.

Have a fab weekend!!

Laura said...

True confession: I once called a hotel desk because I couldn't figure out how to turn on the bedside lamp.

Have a great time this weekend.

Jen said...

Oh Sweet Jesus I now have a visual of some guy in his tighty whiteys screaming in your face while you judiciously ignore him. Beautiful!