Monday 30 January 2012

Bloody Fucking Emotions

It's been a bloody weekend, y'all.
I don't know when or why it started to happen this weekend, but my strength just... crumbled.

I've been trying to write about Bug in a more coherent way, without revealing too much, because who really wants to read all about that? This weekend, I watched as something I had building, working on with a new guy, fell to bits in one night. I drove with my best friend to basically America, almost died three times and had to deal with the panic attack I had for going into the hometown of the guy who knocked me up with Bug.

So much sleep wasn't had, and so many emotional girly feelings that I'm not used to...

I'm not a girly girl.
At all.

In case working nights in the ghetto, and my general personality online wasn't a clue, I'm more of a tomboy badass ninja than the tutu and giggly feelings kind of ninja.

Bug... the weight of what happened, the loss that has crippled me and wrapped itself up in a family death, as well as the realization my last ex was such a manipulator that he convinced me to do things and be a person I never thought I'd be.

So for the past week, I've watched Seasons One, Two and Three of Sons of Anarchy. I'm halfway through Four.

It really sucks working nights during times like this. All I have, is time to think. And remember. And remember what I was doing a year ago, on this day. How I'd be rubbing my stomach, and eating fruit and brown rice because that's the shit I was craving, and how I had secretly bought a onesie, even though my friends and family were worried I wouldn't get to keep him. I named him. I had a girl's name as a backup, but I was pretty fucking confident I'd be sprouting a penis from my vag.

I had a plan.
Rockstar wasn't really a plan in it, but... he could have been. Not as mine, because fuck that shit, whoops a baby broke off everything we had or didn't have going.

So much shit has happened, in the last three years.

I'm ready for some good to happen, and actually stick around. Not bolt at the first sign of fucking trouble.

It's gonna be a rough week, kids.  

3 comments:

Jaclyn said...

I'm not a "girly girl" either, but sometimes a bitch needs to cry. You can't feel like you are breaking character or something because you need to have emotions sometimes. You are who you are. Your losses are a part of that. Anyone who doesn't like it can go fuck themselves.

As far as the guy, I think it has to do with timing. You really set yourself up to fail, going this week when you are all sad and emotional pretty much guarantees you are going to lose your shit and dudes hate that. If you like the guy and you feel like you can explain what happened, maybe you should try. You don't have to give details, maybe just explain that you lost a baby this time last year and you were looking to connect with someone and you thought you could handle it and it just didn't go as you expected. If he's a decent guy he will listen. If not then fuck him.

Also, you should write whatever you want to write. I wrote last year about all the details of Nicholas' horrific birth. If you need to get it out of your system, then do it. I will be here to read it. I promise.

leigh said...

i am here for you - even though you don't know me. i am here.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Jaclyn- I plan to write what I want. Whether or not it makes sense, we'll see.

Leigh- thank you. Really.