Friday, 20 January 2012

A Warning Of Crazy Shit To Come (Seriously).


I'm running away for the weekend, to go and play with my London family, because my best friend and her kids are there, and my two cousins who are more like siblings than cousins are there. So, don't expect greatness from me this weekend.

This is a warning, though.
I can feel it building up, and I wanted to offer my apologies for all the random rambly bullshit that is going to spew forth.

I'm trying to ignore it, and not dwell on it, but in 15 days the anniversary of my last miscarriage will be here.

It's already really hard to breathe.

So I've been writing. And writing, and yelling at Rockstar (what I nicknamed Bug's sperm donor before Bug was in the picture, and what has now turned into a really mean insult coming from me) and just, trying to let it go. Or move past, and pay more attention to the whores and shit going on here so I'd have something else to talk about.

This shit is consuming.

So some posts may start out as one thing, but turn into another, or I might finally write a huge thing about Bug. Because I believe writing is one of the most therapeutic things a person can do that doesn't cost money, or inflict danger on anyone else. I've used writing as a coping tool since I knew how to write.

So for the next few weeks, consider yourselves warned.
It could be a bumpy ride.


Jaclyn said...

I do this too. I just slowly start to unravel and no one really knows why because I don't say anything until I get to the point where I just burst into sobs over nothing or scream at my husband for something completely irrational. Then he will say "why are you acting like such a crazy bitch?". And then I'll be all resentful because HOW DOESN'T HE EVER REMEMBER THE DATE IT HAPPENED? We both lost a child, dick. But I don't know. I guess for him it's more of a general sadness he tries not to think about and for me it's a very specific sadness that I think about a lot at certain times, even though I can deal with it pretty well most of the rest of the time.

So feel your feelings. Definitely write it out. My biggest source of comfort has come from my friends on the internet who can really relate, because I don't feel like I can actually talk to anyone in my life about it and have them understand. I know they will listen and give me a shoulder to cry on and all that, but they will never really get it.

Feel your feelings, Ninja. I'm here. I get it.

Mandi E. said...

Seldom does my blog ever speak about anything serious, so if you ever need a moment of levity in your day, pop over there and revel in all my juvenile glory.

Seriously, there's a picture of a guido blow up doll in one of my resident's apartments today. It doesn't get more "not serious" than that.

leigh said...

whatever and whenever you choose to write about Bug it will absolutely be therapeutic. my heart is with you my dear.

Misty said...

Do it. Write about Bug. It will help. Especially since you, like me, are mostly anonymous on the web. I have found that this whole blogging experience has been quite therapeutic for me, especially because I feel I can say things that I wouldn't normally say to friends/family because nobody out here really knows me. It is freeing. Do what you feel, but I guarantee you at least writing it down will help. Even if you never publish it at all.

Jana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jana said...

Sorry, I had to delete my last comment due to seriously jacked typo's. Anywhoo, you should write about this, even if you don't write about it here. And if you write in the blog-o-sphere I think that it would feel a lot less lonely to know that you are in with people who have similar stories of loss. And if all else fails, the majority of them will make you laugh with their witty comments. Good Luck lady!