An Intermission, Of Sorts...

Because I'm working on the proper tribute post to the wonderful Jen, I've decided to put in this little wee post about how I did not die, but instead I slept through what felt like 800 days but was really only my weekend.

I also know a lot of you (read: all of you lucky bastards) have tomorrow off, and for that I am jealous.

Tomorrow, or the next day, I am talking to my boss about the douchebaggery and under the bus attempting that one of the lovely people I work with is demonstrating.

That should be a wonderful conversation, I'm sure.

For now, I'm going to continue working on my love e-note to my internet maja, and eat large quantities of pizza and chocolate. But not together, that would just be weird.

Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left...

Tonight there are four rooms, at least, doing activities that my gramma doesn't need to hear about.

Two girls are sharing a room, and, more power to them. I fucking hate this room. I want to send tear gas or something into it, or bleach all their clothes somehow.

I'm working on a post regarding the Classes of Whores, and how I feel they need to adjust their attitudes. When you're nice to the staff, we don't call the fucking cops on you. That should be common sense, right? It's not. These punks feel like they are entitled, because they've been coming here since before I was here, little girl (yeah. YEAH. Got called little girl. Guess how polite I was after that happened)

I'm going to be telling/asking my boss that these chicks be given the goddamn boot. Or I'll warn her that if they're still in tonight when I get in, I'm calling the cops.

I still have no idea how the girls that manage to get any sort of sex, paid or otherwise.
What is it about men that attracts them to plastered on makeup, perfume pouring out of pores (say that five times fast, I dare you), and nasty attitudes?

Things to ponder will plotting how to fuck with the whores and ruin their 'beauty' sleep....

Five Dicks, 3.5 Vaginas, 3 Broken Beers and One Vodka Fueled Rage, How was YOUR Valentines?

This week my hotel has been uncommonly busy.
forty plus rooms busy.
It's been interesting, and certainly more handsome, what with the eye candy provided to me by the added bodies.

It's also been stupid.

Tonight was Valentines, in case you missed all that getting shoved down your throat.
Tonight was also Single People Fucking Strangers night, with a side order of "We Still Live At Home and Mom and Pop Wouldn't Appreciate The Bondage Scenes"

I'm running behind on paperwork, and I still have to find bleach, but I wanted to drop this little token of awesome on y'all.

Five Dicks:

1. Around 12am, Douchebag One whips it out in an attempt to 'lure' me to his room. I tell him I can't see something that small without my glasses and I left those at home tonight.
2. Ten minutes later, Douchebag Two (his friend) offers his junk. With a red bow, which made me laugh, because I give points for courage. And the bow looked pretty too. I politely declined and he went away too.
3. One of the regulars. The words I have to describe the hilarity, involving him and the beers that broke and the fact he's probably old enough to be my father... sigh. I'm waiting for him to wake up and apologise. Or blush, either way.
4. Douchebag One, round two. This time, a girl was with him. In the hallway directly beside my desk, where I was doing my audit. BLEACH IS NEEDED.
5. Douchebag One again. Seriously, I have looked at this kid's junk unwillingly so much tonight I want to charge his penis a fine. At least that time was outside. I locked the front doors on the two of them. Abuse of power, yes. Hilarious, absolutely.

3.5 Vaginas
1. Douchebag Two's 'girlfriend' decided to show me what was going to be plundered. Willingly lifted her 'skirt' up. I have no words. I laughed at her and told her to have a good night.
2. Unintentional, when Douchebag One and his 'girl' were in the hallway. Full vag shot, my eyes are burned. She is not a natural blonde, though.
3. Douchebag Ones 'girl', outside. She is the point and a half too, because I saw it, and then saw parts of it, and this post just got really creepy and makes it seem like I was trying to look for the poon. I WASN'T, GUYS.

Broken Beers

Happened when one of my regulars was walking, drunkenly, trying to get to his room with his pants by his ankles. I cleaned it up, only because I don't totally know where the first aid kit shit is. Anything heavier than bandaids, and I take a good ten minutes to find.

Drunk bitches yelled at me, holding a bottle of vodka.
I was accused of trying to steal Douchebag One and Two from the 'ladies'.
I laughed, almost to the point of hyperventilation. The guys carried the whores ladies up to the room, and I have not heard from them since.

On a brighter note, my boss brought me in two chocolate bars and a thank you note with a gift card in it for the shit load of hours I worked last week for her.
Chocolate is pretty much the easiest way to my heart.
That and poisoned lip balm.

Happy Chocolate Day, people.
May love fill your hearts, mouths and loins.

Chocolate Day Is Almost Here!

Fuck this day.
I say that with love, while I'm possibly? in a relationship, but I absolutely detest this day.

Tomorrow, however. Tomorrow is a completely different story.
February 15th, November 1st and whatever the day in April is after Easter, are my favourite days of the goddamn year. Discount Chocolate Day, bitches.
Those are the days of the year that the big stores have to start reducing their regular EIGHT FUCKING DOLLAR chocolates, to Four. That's right. FOUR DOLLARS.

I may have received a couple chocolates this year before the Big Day, but I am assured I will get a present of chocolate after today. It is enough to make any girl squeal.

Tonight, however, will be Drunk and Lonely Men night. My hotel is all sorts of busy, and most of them are men. Appealing to look at, but it's like window shopping. They just don't completely understand the 'window' aspect. Tonight I'll be in heels and look as old and professional as possible, so when the Mom Voice comes out to scold the children back into their rooms, they may actually listen.

Last year it worked, I think that this year has a real shot at working.

Fingers crossed.

When You Poke A Sleepy Audit...

...you basically get the biggest bitch in customer service ever.

I'm super tired tonight. I may have even had a twenty minute nap that resulted in me waking up scared to my alarm on my phone. I did my audit late tonight, so I was doing paperwork when the past Night Audit chick came in.

Now, this chick has a bad reputation at my hotel to begin with. The things she did that resulted in her termination are as follows (but not limited to, because they never really tell you an actual reason):
-walking down the street to get a coffee and leaving the hotel completely unattended.
- giving free rooms to her friends all the time
- using rooms for her own personal activities while on shift
- not doing the fucking audit
-sleeping
- Not showing up for her shift at.all.
- not answering her phone when she missed an entire shift

One or more of these got this chick fired. It happened almost a year and a half ago. I've been here ever since. There was a two week gap, but the manager was doing this shift.

So this whore walks in, and I'm tired so I'm slow to be polite. I need energy to be nice to people who just exude the look of douchebaggery. She starts in and tells me who she is and how she'll be getting the family and friend discount rate and my hotel manager knows her and blah blah blah blah blah. The amount of bullshit and life story I just received is immense and I don't want to trouble y'all with it.

She then tries to get me to call my manager, and I tell her no way. There isn't a problem. I name a very reasonable deposit price ($100 bucks) and tell her that I'll just hold it, and when she checks out at 11am in the morning she can talk to the morning girl and/or the hotel manager. She balks and starts to lose her shit, but in the most condescending, holier than thou way that I automatically shut down and start to sleep.

With my eyes open, of course.

In my head, I slapped her, told her to wipe the cum off her lips and get the fuck out of my hotel.

In reality, I stood there with a passive agressive "you may have worked here before but I'm running shit now, bitch. Good.Fucking.Luck" look on my face that I've ever been able to pull off. I think she was debating slugging me, but decided against it. I look kind of tough in my jeans and purple striped sweatshirt tonight, I guess.

She then tried to threaten my job, and told me to inform my boss that she'd be coming in to lodge a formal complaint against me. And then she smiled and told me to have a good day.

I of course, said thank you and I wished her the best of luck finding a hotel that would charge her under 100 bucks.

I may have waved. And smiled.


And now I'm going to shovel the snow and mop the floors and do the rest of the paperwork and eat some valentines day chocolates because I'm a spoiled little girl and enjoy this note I'm writing out to my boss.
(My job is no where near threatened, don't worry.)

I Slept For A Billion Hours, Now I'm Going To Watch Hockey

So yesterday I slept.
A lot. More than I thought I would, actually. That's the thing about night audits. We like our sleep, something fierce, when we get it. And after working so much this past week, I needed it.

So I slept, and woke up to go to family dinner and then a date.

And now, as a post and dash, I'm running to watch my cousin play hockey (and hopefully kick ass) and then I'm subjecting myself to the loud, crazy, hilarious thing known as my Dad's side of the family.

I'm hoping only one punch or two  is thrown this time.

Happy Saturday!

My Hotel Is Fucking Haunted, Part Two

I first encountered Roberto about four months into my job.

He is not friendly. He's actually kind of a dick. That little brother no one ever likes, locks up in the attic and throws scraps of stale bread and water at. That sort of ghost. He mostly just runs around the hotel, which fucks with a newbie when they are first starting out.

Little secret? My hotel is fucking old.

So it took me a few months to get used to all the sounds, like the ice machine making ice and the stairs upstairs and down, and the hallways odd sounds.

I now know when there's no one upstairs, but the stairs still creak? That's Roberto.

I have a theory that he's an old man, one who died and never really left.

He's slammed doors, broken small things, thrown dirt and debris from the ceiling at me when I curse him, and generally done some pretty annoying things. But he's old, and normally hangs out in a certain part of the hotel.

Eddie, though? Eddie is a punk ass.

He's the third ghost, and I feel like he's a teen. He certainly acts like it. I can't count the number of times I've been getting my numbers while doing my rounds, and I'm in the electrical room and out of the corner of my eye I'll see someone running by me, but there's no footsteps or sounds. I've been sitting here, watching T.V and had Eddie run around the corner of one hallway and down the next, just to spook me.

He also likes to knock the restaurants menus down onto the ground, which has happened three times. I feel like it's a lot, considering those bitches are sturdy and you can't blow them down*

*fuck you all for judging, I get bored easily.
*And get your goddamn head out of the gutter.

So I know something knocks them the fuck down when the fans aren't even on.

In four days I've worked more than I've been off, and been awake almost 3 times more than I've slept.

I'm fucking passing out in the suite I had this morning and sleeping for at least ten hours. Fuck anything and anyone who tries to wake me up during that time, I will cut a bitch. Seriously.

Tomorrow, I plan to write about how cops have gone from being douchebags to hilarious stalkers.

Stay tuned!