Monday, 4 June 2012

Jaclyn's Gonna Feel Like An Asshole; A Love Story/Update


So, I realise I've basically dropped off the face of the Earth this past month. I promise I have not died, or been attacked or killed by the pimps and whores. I'm just in the crazy process of packing up my entire life, working 15 hours a day and training a new girl to take over the hotel gig, and getting ready to move myself to another province. Insanity, to say the least. So much has happened that I could talk about, and will eventually because this week and next I don't have to train the new girl so I should be able to slack a bit more and write more blogs, but today I'm trying to peel off a post because Jaclyn is an asshole.

I say that with love, of course. Some stabby thoughts but mostly love. Because I listen to the internet when the internet tells me I need to pay attention to the tags I've been given. Mainly, that she tagged me in the 11 things about me, 11 questions I have to answer and then I have to tag 11 people for this shit so it's a vicious circle of kinda cool but really annoying if you're just coming back to your blog after almost a month of being blogdead.

Anywhore.

11 Things About Me


1. I'm 23 years old, turning 24 in September. Birthday E-Cards are expected now.

2. For my 16th birthday my mom let me dye one side of my hair black and the other half bright red. The day after my 16th birthday I went and got my drivers license, and that picture was forced upon me until this year. Clearly I pissed off an instructor in a past life because I would trade that terrible picture over the one I currently have.

3. I broke my right arm/wrist enough times as a kid that teachers forced me to learn to write with my left hand because I was missing too much work. I can still write with both hands now, even though the left hand looks like I'm in the second grade still.

4. I miss playing volleyball more than I'll ever admit. Except for right now.

5. I hid my first tattoo from my mom for almost two years before my (now ex) fiance made me tell her. I don't know if I would have told her otherwise. Everyone in my family except for my gramma and mom found out before she did, and my gramma only found out because my mom needed her to have a distraction while we were going up to visit my uncle in the hospital. I have 8 tattoos and 2 of them are actually of my gramma, when she was 17 and doing a model shoot.

6. I am 2 weeks away from having my Level 2 in ASL and I couldn't be more excited. Except maybe when I get my Level 3 and 4, and can finally converse at a higher speed.

7. I keep the letter that Jaclyn mailed me during the anniversary of my last miscarriage in my bag all the time. I still tear up when I read it.

8. I started writing this so another community I'm a part of would be able to read the stories, and because I had a friend who wanted me to write a work (sort of) friendly blog. My last blog was so incredibly not safe for work that it makes all of this tame.

9. I have always wanted blue eyes, but I've grown to like how intensely dark my brown ones are. I hate contacts though, so I'll never be able to change my eye colour.

10. Moving to Nova Scotia is probably the best thing I'll ever do for myself, even if my family is so very against the idea of me being so far away. I have 16 more days of working 2 jobs, 21 more of working any jobs in Ontario and 28 more of being in this province at all. The closer I get to leaving the more stressed and excited I get. I'm so excited to go on the road trip I'm planning, but so fucking scared I'm gonna fail. I think that fear is healthy though, because I know it'll make me more stubborn and I won't give up unless I'm dying or something drastic happens.

11. I'm 95% sure there is a porn being filmed in my hotel right now. The fact that I'm not doing anything about it, should speak to everyone about how little fucks I give anymore.



Jaclyn's Questions She Asked Me (This is where she will feel like an asshole. Or not.)
1. Who wronged you this week? Go ahead, vent. You know you want to.

All of the fucking infants who work at the Dairy Queen. Their lack of bullshit motivation to get anything done and my inability to not give a fuck while working means that I fucked my back up somehow, and I got sick, and they aren't fucking working. Oh, and the people who fucked up my coffee order on Friday morning. I had to drive three hours to say goodbye with NO GODDAMN COFFEE IN MY SYSTEM. It was TERRIBLE, for everyone involved.

2. Top 5 bangable celebrities
a) Chris Evans
b) Ryan Gosling (Fuck you, he's Canadian and I'm sorry, but, yum.)
c) Mila Kunis (Don't judge.)
d) Ryan Hurst
e) Norman Reedus


3. 5 completely unbangable celebrities (for the record, I don't get the whole Ryan Gosling thing. I guess he's not technically "unbangable", but I wouldn't hit it. At all. Please don't chase me with sticks. It had to be said).
I won't chase you with sticks. I'll just continue to mock you for your shitty taste in men. OH SNAP that was more of a burn than I meant for it to be.

a) Lance Bass
b) David Hasselhoff
c) Katy Perry
d) Steve from Blues Clues
e) Mister Rogers

4. Tell me the story of the drunkest you've ever been. If you don't remember all the details, feel free to make some shit up.
This one time, at band camp, ... no. Kidding. Drunkest I've ever been? Jesus. My dad reads this blog. ....alright, no longer caring about that (And to be fair, people can skip this part) I think the drunkest I've ever been was at a party I had at my parents house when I was 19. They had gone to Vegas or somewhere far away and knew I was having the party, because I have been a responsible child like that and let my parents know when to expect the neighbours to complain and shit, plus I've never invited the entire school to my house because I'm not a goddamn moron. Anywhore, a group of us (I think there were... 30? less than? Who the fuck knows.) had gotten together and we were just dancing and drinking and someone was stupid and OH MY GOD THIS WASN'T THE DRUNKEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

Drunkest I've ever been was at
someone elses house and a group of us decided (well I think it was one of the guys in the group, but we'll all take blame for this shit) that we should do a vodka shot contest, and I was the only girl who lasted past 5 shots. I was only friends with pussies back then, apparently, but the competition continued on until there was me and one of the guys and he was ready to tap out, but I was a determined bitch and I crawled over bodies of drunken people to get to the next bottle of vodka, and double fisted shots so I could seal the victory at a ridiculous 15 shots.

Yeah. 15 shots of vodka and I didn't puke, or overdose. Or at least, didn't overdose to the point where people took me to the hospital. Fucking absurd. I can't drink vodka today though without wanting to die. It's like my body remembers what I did to it that night, back when I was a mere 17? 18? I feel like 17 is the right age answer here.


5. What did you want to be when you grew up? How is that working out for you? Please tell me why you failed to reach the goals you set for yourself when you were 8.
When I was 8 I wanted to be a mom and a writer. When I grew up a bit more I wanted to be a mom and a writer and a lawyer. When I grew up in high school I went back to wanting to be just a mom and a writer. When I turned 20 and miscarried the first time, I wasn't deterred, same for the next two miscarriages. I'm still gonna be a mom, and I am a writer. I may not be making any money off of it yet, but it's happening.

Now that I'm an old 23 years old, I'm hoping by the time I'm 27 I'll be an ASL/English Interpreter. And a writer. And maybe a mom, but maybe not until a bit later. Let's get me through school first.


6. You have to be in a room with Newt Gingrich for an hour. Do you end it all?
If I knew who the fuck you were talking about maybe.

7. Song you hate the most and why.
Anything by Nicki Minaj. Because she's fucking retarded. I'm sorry. I can't stand her and turn her and Drake off my radio anytime they come on. My whole body shakes with hatred.

8. First and last name of the first boy you ever had a huge crush on, so when that narcissitic asshole Googles himself, he will know all your private shame.
This is where Jaclyn will feel like an asshole, because the first boy I ever had a huge crush on is dead now. Royce Hickman. Grade six through eight, I swooned over his blonde locks and Russian figure skater looks. When we hit high school and he had a locker near mine, I had basically died and gone to heaven. We lost touch in grade ten, even though we went to the same school all four years of high school. He was a sweet kid who hung out with the wrong kids in high school, got out of all that shit and was doing well before he died in a car crash that to this day no one knows wtf happened. That was almost three years ago.

9. Do you like me? Circle one ----     yes               no             I like you so much I know your social security number
If you have to ask, you'll never know. If you already know, you only need ask.

10. Why did the chicken cross the road (I suspect hallucinogens but please tell me your theories)?
Because the cock was there.
11. Hot air balloon or white water raft? (I'm not even going to give you context here. Tell me a good story)

Hot air balloon. More likely able to have sex and not die.


I'm not tagging anyone. I'm too lazy for that shit. Here are some questions for you though, if you feel so inclined to answer.


  1. Favourite time of day?
  2. How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  3. Dream job and why aren't you doing it?
  4. Name five movies that John Hughes made.
  5. What book changed your life?
  6. How many pictures of you are on the internet?
  7. What time is it right now?
  8. Thing you love the most about winter, thing you hate the most about summer?
  9. Do you know any other languages?
  10. Favourite smell?
  11. You can only take four things with you to a desert island. What do you take and why?


And now I have to go and finish my chores for the morning.
I'll try to blog about more real shit tomorrow!  

5 comments:

Jaclyn said...

You wanna know why I don't feel like an asshole? Because the first boy I ever had a crush on also died. It was the year after high school and his girlfriend broke up with him so he jumped in front of a train. Yeah. I guess I should probably still feel like an asshole?

Anyway, no judgment on Mila Kunis. I'd fuck her too.

Also, I wasn't actually expecting you to do this. I know you are super busy, but I thought to myself "how sad will my lovely Ninja be if I DON'T tag her? So sad". I did it for you!

Last, #7 about you- I love you too :)

And send me your new address so I can send you more poison.

This comment is long, right? I'm going to answer your questions in another equally long comment. You're welcome.

leigh said...

I'm answering because it's Monday, I'm at work and I'm so exhausti-bored I can barely function. So I need to do
something semi-productive ;)

1. Favourite time of day?
Depends on the day - weekday - just after dinner after it's been cleaned up and we can just chill out on the couch.

2. How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Are we taking Zachary Levi - "Chuck" or Chuck Norris - "Chuck"... cause those answers vary GREATLY.
Zachary Levi "Chuck"(s) - I'd say a good three before that computer thingy kicked in and made him all super-agenty...
Chuck Norris "Chuck" - none. that woodchuck is dead.

3. Dream job and why aren't you doing it?
I'm not sure I have a dream job... maybe it could have been architecture... but I really hated auto-cad. I'm interviewing tomorrow for a really great job though - so I'm pretty excited\shit-scared...

In theory I'd love to own a coffee shop that was also a bookstore and that had an art studio on the top floor and a music studio in the basement... I'd don't think Otown is ready for that kind of genius yet... maybe TO though... maybe.

4. Name five movies that John Hughes made.

I'm going to try sans-google...
pretty in pink, sixteen candles, the breakfast club, Ferris Bueller and ... god... um... weird science!

5. What book changed your life?

The secret garden made me love to read so much that I barely did much else as a child.

The book thief reminded me of that love after university and life made me leave recreational reading behind for a few years.

6. How many pictures of you are on the internet?
I don't know... however many are on facebook? no idea. no compromising ones though... i think... hmm... nope. pretty sure i'm all clear there.

7. What time is it right now? 12:14pm EST.

8. Thing you love the most about winter, thing you hate the most about summer?
Winter - the first snow that sticks. And scarves. and sweaters.

Summer - swimming outside, canoeing, camp fires, cottages. so well... i guess just cottages ;)

9. Do you know any other languages?
La Francais. and a word or five in Italian and Spanish and like 2 words in Arabic.

10. Favourite smell?

fresh ground coffee and the air before it snows. It's a tie.

11. You can only take four things with you to a desert island. What do you take and why?

things? Not people\pets? sigh.. okay ;)

jelly shoes - yes, I know, but I need shoes and they can go in the water - and dude... sea urchins\other scary spiky ocean things! or well I guess just water shoes, but jelly shoes are kind of awesome... shh.

a ridiculous soft and giant blanket. I need blankets - all the time. Plus it it's big enough it can also be a pillow at the same time.

a water filtration system so I can drink water without getting super sick.

the practical part of me is like - giant knife thing! But now I think I need a guitar. I don't play - but I think I could just teach myself overtime... and I'd be bored without music. so ya. guitar. (oh, with extra strings.... I ain't no sucker.)

Melissa Dawn said...

WAIT. You're a September baby?! I feel like I should have already known this! September what?

Front Desk Ninja said...

Uh, you should have already known it.
I'm a little insulted that you didn't.
I'm going to take some time, and a chocolate bar to recover from this deep wound you've left me with.

the day after the day your country mourns every year is the day I was born. But, y'know, 24 years ago.

Jen said...

Ho. Ly. Shit. I have banged Steve from Blue's Clues, God's honest truth. I must say that under the striped rugby the boy's got skillz.

1.Favourite time of day? EARLY MORNING. YEAH, I'M THAT ASSHOLE THAT'S PERKY AT 5 A.M.

2.How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? PFFT! HE WOULD CHUCK WHAT A WOODCHUCK WOULD CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD. DUH!

3.Dream job and why aren't you doing it? ACTRESS. STILL WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED.

4. Name five movies that John Hughes made. THE BREAKFAST CLUB, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, 16 CANDLES, UNCLE BUCK AND HOME ALONE

5. What book changed your life? 'FRANNY & ZOOEY' BY J.D. SALINGER

6. How many pictures of you are on the internet? WHICHEVER ONES I'VE POSTED ON MY BLOG, AND MY BIO PICTURE FOR THE UNIVERSITY

7. What time is it right now? 6:34 PM

8. Thing you love the most about winter, thing you hate the most about summer? LOVE CHRISTMAS, HATE ANY TEMPERATURE OVER 75'

9. Do you know any other languages? ASL, CONVERSATIONAL FRENCH AND GERMAN, AND I CAN SWEAR IN RUSSIAN

10. Favourite smell? JOHNSON'S BABY SHAMPOO OR A CAMPFIRE

11. You can only take four things with you to a desert island. What do you take and why? A TOOTHBRUSH (I'm obsessed with clean teeth), A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF COFFEE (or more...how long am I on this damned island?), A FIRST AID KIT (once a Girl Scout, always a Girl Scout), and JEREMY RENNER (because, daaaaaaamn!)