Jaclyn's Gonna Feel Like An Asshole; A Love Story/Update

So, I realise I've basically dropped off the face of the Earth this past month. I promise I have not died, or been attacked or killed by the pimps and whores. I'm just in the crazy process of packing up my entire life, working 15 hours a day and training a new girl to take over the hotel gig, and getting ready to move myself to another province. Insanity, to say the least. So much has happened that I could talk about, and will eventually because this week and next I don't have to train the new girl so I should be able to slack a bit more and write more blogs, but today I'm trying to peel off a post because Jaclyn is an asshole.

I say that with love, of course. Some stabby thoughts but mostly love. Because I listen to the internet when the internet tells me I need to pay attention to the tags I've been given. Mainly, that she tagged me in the 11 things about me, 11 questions I have to answer and then I have to tag 11 people for this shit so it's a vicious circle of kinda cool but really annoying if you're just coming back to your blog after almost a month of being blogdead.

Anywhore.

11 Things About Me


1. I'm 23 years old, turning 24 in September. Birthday E-Cards are expected now.

2. For my 16^th birthday my mom let me dye one side of my hair black and the other half bright red. The day after my 16^th birthday I went and got my drivers license, and that picture was forced upon me until this year. Clearly I pissed off an instructor in a past life because I would trade that terrible picture over the one I currently have.

3. I broke my right arm/wrist enough times as a kid that teachers forced me to learn to write with my left hand because I was missing too much work. I can still write with both hands now, even though the left hand looks like I'm in the second grade still.

4. I miss playing volleyball more than I'll ever admit. Except for right now.

5. I hid my first tattoo from my mom for almost two years before my (now ex) fiance made me tell her. I don't know if I would have told her otherwise. Everyone in my family except for my gramma and mom found out before she did, and my gramma only found out because my mom needed her to have a distraction while we were going up to visit my uncle in the hospital. I have 8 tattoos and 2 of them are actually of my gramma, when she was 17 and doing a model shoot.

6. I am 2 weeks away from having my Level 2 in ASL and I couldn't be more excited. Except maybe when I get my Level 3 and 4, and can finally converse at a higher speed.

7. I keep the letter that Jaclyn mailed me during the anniversary of my last miscarriage in my bag all the time. I still tear up when I read it.

8. I started writing this so another community I'm a part of would be able to read the stories, and because I had a friend who wanted me to write a work (sort of) friendly blog. My last blog was so incredibly not safe for work that it makes all of this tame.

9. I have always wanted blue eyes, but I've grown to like how intensely dark my brown ones are. I hate contacts though, so I'll never be able to change my eye colour.

10. Moving to Nova Scotia is probably the best thing I'll ever do for myself, even if my family is so very against the idea of me being so far away. I have 16 more days of working 2 jobs, 21 more of working any jobs in Ontario and 28 more of being in this province at all. The closer I get to leaving the more stressed and excited I get. I'm so excited to go on the road trip I'm planning, but so fucking scared I'm gonna fail. I think that fear is healthy though, because I know it'll make me more stubborn and I won't give up unless I'm dying or something drastic happens.

11. I'm 95% sure there is a porn being filmed in my hotel right now. The fact that I'm not doing anything about it, should speak to everyone about how little fucks I give anymore.



Jaclyn's Questions She Asked Me (This is where she will feel like an asshole. Or not.)
1. Who wronged you this week? Go ahead, vent. You know you want to.

All of the fucking infants who work at the Dairy Queen. Their lack of bullshit motivation to get anything done and my inability to not give a fuck while working means that I fucked my back up somehow, and I got sick, and they aren't fucking working. Oh, and the people who fucked up my coffee order on Friday morning. I had to drive three hours to say goodbye with NO GODDAMN COFFEE IN MY SYSTEM. It was TERRIBLE, for everyone involved.

2. Top 5 bangable celebrities

a) Chris Evans
b) Ryan Gosling (Fuck you, he's Canadian and I'm sorry, but, yum.)
c) Mila Kunis (Don't judge.)
d) Ryan Hurst
e) Norman Reedus

3. 5 completely unbangable celebrities (for the record, I don't get the whole Ryan Gosling thing. I guess he's not technically "unbangable", but I wouldn't hit it. At all. Please don't chase me with sticks. It had to be said).
I won't chase you with sticks. I'll just continue to mock you for your shitty taste in men. OH SNAP that was more of a burn than I meant for it to be.

a) Lance Bass
b) David Hasselhoff
c) Katy Perry
d) Steve from Blues Clues
e) Mister Rogers
4. Tell me the story of the drunkest you've ever been. If you don't remember all the details, feel free to make some shit up.
This one time, at band camp, ... no. Kidding. Drunkest I've ever been? Jesus. My dad reads this blog. ....alright, no longer caring about that (And to be fair, people can skip this part) I think the drunkest I've ever been was at a party I had at my parents house when I was 19. They had gone to Vegas or somewhere far away and knew I was having the party, because I have been a responsible child like that and let my parents know when to expect the neighbours to complain and shit, plus I've never invited the entire school to my house because I'm not a goddamn moron. Anywhore, a group of us (I think there were... 30? less than? Who the fuck knows.) had gotten together and we were just dancing and drinking and someone was stupid and OH MY GOD THIS WASN'T THE DRUNKEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

Drunkest I've ever been was at someone elses house and a group of us decided (well I think it was one of the guys in the group, but we'll all take blame for this shit) that we should do a vodka shot contest, and I was the only girl who lasted past 5 shots. I was only friends with pussies back then, apparently, but the competition continued on until there was me and one of the guys and he was ready to tap out, but I was a determined bitch and I crawled over bodies of drunken people to get to the next bottle of vodka, and double fisted shots so I could seal the victory at a ridiculous 15 shots.

Yeah. 15 shots of vodka and I didn't puke, or overdose. Or at least, didn't overdose to the point where people took me to the hospital. Fucking absurd. I can't drink vodka today though without wanting to die. It's like my body remembers what I did to it that night, back when I was a mere 17? 18? I feel like 17 is the right age answer here.

5. What did you want to be when you grew up? How is that working out for you? Please tell me why you failed to reach the goals you set for yourself when you were 8.
When I was 8 I wanted to be a mom and a writer. When I grew up a bit more I wanted to be a mom and a writer and a lawyer. When I grew up in high school I went back to wanting to be just a mom and a writer. When I turned 20 and miscarried the first time, I wasn't deterred, same for the next two miscarriages. I'm still gonna be a mom, and I am a writer. I may not be making any money off of it yet, but it's happening.

Now that I'm an old 23 years old, I'm hoping by the time I'm 27 I'll be an ASL/English Interpreter. And a writer. And maybe a mom, but maybe not until a bit later. Let's get me through school first.

6. You have to be in a room with Newt Gingrich for an hour. Do you end it all?
If I knew who the fuck you were talking about maybe.

7. Song you hate the most and why.
Anything by Nicki Minaj. Because she's fucking retarded. I'm sorry. I can't stand her and turn her and Drake off my radio anytime they come on. My whole body shakes with hatred.

8. First and last name of the first boy you ever had a huge crush on, so when that narcissitic asshole Googles himself, he will know all your private shame.
This is where Jaclyn will feel like an asshole, because the first boy I ever had a huge crush on is dead now. Royce Hickman. Grade six through eight, I swooned over his blonde locks and Russian figure skater looks. When we hit high school and he had a locker near mine, I had basically died and gone to heaven. We lost touch in grade ten, even though we went to the same school all four years of high school. He was a sweet kid who hung out with the wrong kids in high school, got out of all that shit and was doing well before he died in a car crash that to this day no one knows wtf happened. That was almost three years ago.

9. Do you like me? Circle one ----     yes               no             I like you so much I know your social security number
If you have to ask, you'll never know. If you already know, you only need ask.

10. Why did the chicken cross the road (I suspect hallucinogens but please tell me your theories)?
Because the cock was there.
11. Hot air balloon or white water raft? (I'm not even going to give you context here. Tell me a good story)

Hot air balloon. More likely able to have sex and not die.

I'm not tagging anyone. I'm too lazy for that shit. Here are some questions for you though, if you feel so inclined to answer.

1. Favourite time of day?
2. How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
3. Dream job and why aren't you doing it?
4. Name five movies that John Hughes made.
5. What book changed your life?
6. How many pictures of you are on the internet?
7. What time is it right now?
8. Thing you love the most about winter, thing you hate the most about summer?
9. Do you know any other languages?
10. Favourite smell?
11. You can only take four things with you to a desert island. What do you take and why?

And now I have to go and finish my chores for the morning.

I'll try to blog about more real shit tomorrow!  

Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take Two: Jaclyn

I'm still sad and sick and bitchy, but I wanted to get away from that whine-fest for a moment and bring everyone's attention to Jaclyn.

She's on my list of fantastic fucking people and I want you all to fall in love with her and stalk her too. Like Jen, I found her through Noa. Jaclyn is what I think people call a 'mommy-blogger'. Basically, she's a fucking badass mom. I don't even know her kid, and I think she's the coolest kid out there (after my own nieces and nephews, of course. Gotta put family above the children of women who try to kill you with lip balm) and she's pretty funny too.

In all seriousness, Jaclyn is a fucking amazing person.

She's helped me through some tough shit, sent me a letter that made me cry and lip balm that didn't kill me (yet) and cookies that were decent even though they were kinda stale because her country and my country apparently hate each other.

She gives awesome advice, sucks at Words with Friends, hilarious drawings with Draw Something and overall makes me feel like I'm not alone even when shit gets tough. If you need someone to talk dicks, work, or babies with, she's your chick. She's kind of a sore loser when you kick her ass by 218 points though. So, fair warning.

She knows I love her, even when she tries to kill me.
Now y'all know I love her too.

As a completely random fact,

my right ear feels like it's underwater and it's...humming? Throbbing? It's awkward and I want it to stop. Suggestions on ear replacements are being taken...now.

I Got An Award, Noa Replied To A Tweet AND I WON AN AWARD. How's Your Tuesday?

Y'all. I had a post to write about my finances, because I want to stick to a budget and I feel like a bunch of strangers will help keep me in line (as opposed to the shaming I'd deal with for going over from my real life family) but I forgot this was the week that my life was going to motherfucking change.

I can officially save your life.
Well, maybe not save it, but certainly help keep that shit going for 10-20 minutes until properly trained bitches come and take over.

CPR Training the beginning of the week was fantastic. I worked Sunday night, and went into CPR Training Monday morning after my shift basically drunk. The instructor,Rod Clugston, was fanfuckingtastic. Seriously. Kept the class awake and alert and engaged us and in the end we are all Level C CPR Certified.

Yesterday I went back to work and practiced signing with the girl who was working, because I wanted to practice and because I needed to stay the fuck awake a bit longer so I wouldn't sleep through the class start time today. I definitely didn't do that, and today was alright. I felt like a regular human, but even now typing this I'm getting sleepy because my body refuses to admit I had enough sleep (and if anyone here tries to tell me that me sleeping for 11 hours isn't enough, I will laugh sprinkles in your face).

ANNNNYway.

Bitches, I won an award.

The Liebster Award, which took me some googling and effort to figure out what it meant. Essentially, some bad ass chick thinks I'm fucking rad, and wants the small section of internet that we reside in to know about it. I'M HONOURED.

Jana, who I have dedicated an entire post to, nominated this bitch. She's obviously got good taste, and even before this she was welcome to join me for a night of boring babysitting at work. I'd even try to let her pick a weekend night when I saw more whores and drunks than the average hot construction men weeknight. Thank you very much, miss Jana.

Now, there are apparently rules to this award. I've completed one, by thanking the bad ass who gave me the award. Some places I've looked up say three people need to be nominated and raved, some say five. I'm going with three because I'm falling the fuck asleep. Yeah, lazy wins in this case. I'd love to nominate Noa, but I feel like the bitch has more than 200 followers and you can't (shouldn't?) nominate someone with over that number. It's mythical and will generally result in limb loss if you break the rules.

Maybe. I read it on the internet.


Anywhore.
I hereby nominate:

1. Jaclyn from Nursery Rhymes and Curse Words. She's one of those bitches I want to be when I grow up, and she writes some funny funny shit. Even when the shit isn't funny, like bodily fluids or poisoning trusting Canadians with lip balm. I blame you for the fact I'm sicker than fuck right now, by the way. Jerk. Love you.

2. Misty, from Misty's Laws. I love me some Misty. She's a lawyer, a momma, a wife and a daredevil with her cellphone taking pictures. I wish to be like her so I could take pictures of the whores and crack addicts. Maybe one day. She's awesome, and I wish it were possible to squish Jaclyn, her and my last nominee into one person and then clone them, and put them into a man's body who miraculously became Canadian and knocked on my door. I would like to think that man would be my version of Prince Charming.

And finally, it shouldn't be much of a surprise, because I featured her in my first Tribute to my Internet Heroes...

3. Jen from "Jen" e sais quoi. This woman, is a fucking bad ass. I want to be her daughter, and have managed to obtain fake adoption papers to make this happen. She's amazing, and so strong and brave and maintains a level of badassery that one day, I want to get to. She's awesome and I love her blog something fierce.

You should check out all the blogs I've linked, because they are all fantastic. Excellent things to read when you're bored at work and need something to look busy with. Fall in love with them too!

Tomorrow is fucking Month End.

Legitimately, this makes me want to call in sick this month, for no other reason than it's going to be a busy fucking night, and I have missed two nights of hot construction men. I dislike it when things fuck with my routine. Maybe that's why my body is slowly going into sleep mode even though I'm typing.